Blog

Who am I, and why I’m here.

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Why do we write? Well for one, it is a way of expression. A way for people to not feel so alone in the world and to accomplish their dreams.

Who am I ? The best way I can describe myself is a 23 year old who loves to write, scared of becoming old, having nothing to be proud of in life, always wanting to make a difference but never knowing how. When I think of what I want to accomplish, I picture a crappy chart I made with ideas shooting out like stars in the sky. These are just a few things that run through my mind daily.  Get ready for a load of cheese, but I truly believe everything happens for a reason and everyone has a purpose – I am still trying to figure out my own.

Why am I here? This blog of mine I have created, is not just dedicated to one niche or theme. It will be a bunch of random posts – whether it is my daily thoughts, reviews, tutorials, or who to hell knows. I just hope you all are willing to stick around for my journey.

This is the story of a girl, trying to find her purpose.

 

Substandard and I

Lately I haven’t been posting, which my small follower base may have noticed. I’ve been thinking about writing, but haven’t gotten around to the motivation. I will admit, I’ve had a bit of writers block but mostly I’ve been feeling substandard in everything I do. In my job, how I feel, and my creative ability.

In my mind I have this amazing portrait of my life, where I’m going to end up in my career, and how my writing actually makes a difference not only in my life but in others. Sadly it is not reality.

I let my negative side take over and stop me from achieving my end goal and squash my positive mindset like a little bug on the sidewalk. Does anyone else feel like this? If so, how do you overcome it?

It may sound cliche (which I already feel for even using the word cliche), but I’ve always felt like I’m stuck in second place. No matter what, I know I can always do better and people always expect more out of me. Let me just say it is fucking exhausting.

I haven’t found out what my niche in life is, and I haven’t even found my niche when it comes to blogging. So my next questions to you are – what kind of blogs do you want to see more of? What can I do or write about that is entertaining to you? What can I do that is not Substandard?

Sail 



I have sailed away from my commitment I made to myself – to write a post every single day. I know our lives consume us but I learned how much of a release writing can actually be.

This past weekend was Canada Day. It should be a fun time to celebrate, but I never see it as that. Canada day is the day before my brothers birthday. He would have been 29 this year.

Five years ago my life took a turn for the worst in ways I would have never imagined. Leading up to this week was very bland. I think I tried to block it all out but that never works. One of my best friends sailed to another place without me. Somewhere I cannot travel and I truly miss him every single day.

Never stop loving or thinking about those that have sailed on. It may be difficult in the beginning, and trust me when I say I went through all the phases of emotions you could imagine, but you are not alone. It may feel like you are but there is someone out there who has felt the same emotions or experienced something similar.

In many ways it was an eye opening experience and made me think a lot. I didn’t have anyone to turn to during that time. I keep thinking if I could help someone Sail on/help cope through a difficult time then it would make all the difference.

Local Humane Society

Have you been pondering the idea of getting a new pet?  Consider your Local animal shelter first! 

My partner and I adopted a cat from our local shelter about six months ago. I am not going to lie, there have been moments where it hasn’t been easy. This morning I woke up to him laying on me inches away from my face. It almost startled me, but once I was awake he snuggled in close and just wanted to be pet and loved.

Where I’m from they don’t euthanize animals but they do have an overflow of animals where they run out of space to put them so they have not choice but to stack them in cages around the halls of the building. It’s important to help raise awareness or volunteer when needed. It makes all the difference.

It may be not as exciting as getting a tiny kitten, but you are saving a life and giving an animal a second chance because let’s face it, we have needed a second chance once or twice in our life.

Cringing at the past

The past creeps in, invading our minds.

Even when years have passed in time.

It makes you look back and remember,

that horrible time that happened in December.

 

He left without warning leaving you broken,

leaving with words left unspoken.

That is in the past, I moved on so fast.

 

Happiness has flooded, I have met the one

never thought it could be, my heart weighs a ton.

Again, the past creeps in, making me remember

that horrible time that happened back in December.

 

Although it was years ago, he made my heart singe,

I am happy now, and looking back makes me Cringe

Wrongly perceived Illusions

Illusion

  • a thing that is or is likely to be wrongly perceived or interpreted by the senses.
  • a deceptive appearance or impression.
  • a false idea or belief.

Illusions are mysterious. They can make things appear one way when really it could be the complete opposite.  Some people may compare themselves to others and how their lives look perfect. Just because it may look perfect doesn’t mean it actually is. Sometimes people may give off the illusion that they are happy when really their miserable.

Something that happened to me today really stood out and I thought it could be related to this post quite well. I work in retail, and I talk to hundreds of people daily.  Today, I had a customer that I enjoyed working with. She was very sweet and polite through the entire time she was in the store. By the end of her shopping experience, I was cashing her through and she had thanked me for all my help. She then opened up about how it has been really tough on her to come out and do these things due to the loss of her husband. I would have never guessed that had happened to her because she gave off the impression that she was happy. I was blown away.

It really made me think how you should always be kind to the people you encounter on a daily basis and not judge quickly. You never know what they are going through in their lives and leaving a positive mark on someones day is enough to brighten mine.

Commitment and how it changed my life

Commit

I saw the daily prompt when I woke up and took some time to think about what I wanted to express. I refused to skip writing because I did make a commitment to myself to post everyday for one full week.

Now commitment can be a word or thought that makes people nervous or even turn away. I am not going to lie, I used to be one of those people. Everyone goes through bad break ups or has been hurt by someone at some point in their life. It can make the idea of future relationships temporarily disappear from the mind.

One night I came home to my four best friends mixing music and dancing with a drink in their hand. I quickly noticed a handsome face I never saw before. I was immediately drawn to him and had even asked my housemates who he was. (I learned later on that he had the same reaction) That was over a year ago and now I am laying in bed writing this blog post while he lays beside me in our apartment that we share together.

In all honesty I struggled to commit in the beginning, because I was scared of someone getting hurt. I had difficulty trusting people and letting my walls down but doing so was the best decision I made. I was never someone who wanted to get married or settle down and people used to always tell me “you say that now, but wait until you are older and meet the right guy.” I would just roll my eyes and shrug it off when really I wanted to tell them to stuff it. Was I ever wrong. My partner and I have talked about getting married and how many kids we want to have in our future. Although we aren’t ready for kids now, we adopted a cat from a shelter in Toronto, ON and have been saving for a puppy.

I never thought I could fall so in love and be so happy with someone that I would want all of these things in my life. I wish we had met sooner but I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe we weren’t ready for each other five years ago, maybe we had to go through the good and bad moments in life to make us who we are today.

My advice to whomever cares to read it – sometimes you have to take risks, even if it scares you. You never want to look back and wonder what could have happened. Even if things don’t go as expected, take it as a learning experience and keep pushing through life because there is always a light at the end of a dark tunnel, even if it’s hard to see sometimes.

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Paper – And why I love it

 

Paper

  • Material manufactured in thin sheets from the pulp of wood or other fibrous substances, used for writing, drawing, or printing on, or as wrapping material.

 

There is something so satisfying about paper. The way it feels, the way it smells and what you can do with it. You can write out your thoughts, jot down your to-do list, draw your wildest dreams, or turn the pages of your favourite book.

  1. You know how some kids fall asleep surrounded by dozens of their favourite teddy bears and stuffed toys? Well I guess I was not your usual kid because, I used to fall asleep surrounded by books. My mum used to read to me every night, and even to this day we share our favourite books. It clears my mind and reminds me of my imagination.
  2. Writing is something I was always interested in. I loved collecting different journals to express my thoughts as an early teen. Even if those thoughts were how annoyed I was that mum made me do chores after school.
  3. Now, I am a forgetful so I really depend on my written out to-do lists to help keep me in order. Otherwise I get distracted and my tasks never get completed.
  4. Last but definitely not least, is drawing your wildest dreams. I am going to start by saying I am in no way an artist. I cannot draw well, but I still enjoy it. It is an expression of how I am feeling or what I dream about.  If you have followed any of my other previous posts It’s Elegant Delusion. or For Posterity – There goes my sanity , I have mentioned my previous struggle with depression and anxiety. The last year has probably been my brightest in a long time and I can thank my family, friends and the love of my life. Before all my positive changes – when I was alone I would set up my kitchen table with all my paper, a cup of water, paint brushes, my watercolour pencil crayons and put on one of my all time favourite songs (Fears – MTNS) and paint away.

Those are my four reasons why paper has given me a sanctuary, as weird as that sounds. Whether it has been turning the pages of a paperback book, writing on a piece of lined paper, or drawing on a blank piece of paper. It frees my mind.

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Loop – what it means to me

Loop

1. A shape produced by a curve that bends around and crosses itself.

2. A structure, series, or process the end which is connected to the beginning.
As the shown definitions above, loop can mean a few different things. What does it mean to me? Well many things but what really resignates with me is is a looped mindset. What I mean by that is that my mind is always on loop and so is my life. That does not mean it is always a bad thing, but I have come across a few things that I haven’t been able to end the loop.

When I was in highschool, I didn’t take it seriously. I didn’t know what I wanted to do afterwards, but then again who really does anyways?

I stayed in a career for several years, which put me on the same loop everyday. Coffee, work, coffee, work, food, sleep repeat. (There’s probably another coffee in that routine somewhere.) I was miserable so I made the desicion to work in different areas of the industry. Still was unhappy. So I went back to what I love doing and broke that loop.

My next loop that I have struggled with is my motivation to go continue school work. I’ve had many opportunities to do it and I’ve thought to myself, today is the day, but motivation is not there.

Lately I’ve been forcing myself to stop thinking and saying but actually start doing. It’s helped me keep away from the everyday loop I put meself through and helped me move forward to beat the negative mindset.

So, what does loop mean to you?